In honor of April Fool’s Day, we are re-publishing the following article, originally published in The Spoof.
USDA takes over DEA’s Job.
In what appeared to many to be a cruel irony, the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) was assigned the task of handling the Drug Enforcement Administration’s cases and the DEA will now regulate the dairy industry.
“Operation Switch’em” came about when efficiency experts noticed a couple of peculiarities in the agencies.
Government spokesman Ned Leafturner noted, “We noticed that since the USDA began regulating the dairy industry that 88% of all dairy farms have gone out of business. That’s a remarkable story when you consider the large number of people and farms involved.”
He went on, “Just the opposite seems to be the case over at DEA. Rather than eliminating the drug problems in this country, the DEA has turned them into a major industry. Since we now have more people in jail than we have farmers in this country, we thought the best thing for most Americans would be to have these two groups swap jobs.”
The switch seems to have had some immediate success. Joe Johnson, a local dairy farmer in Minnesota said, “The strangest thing happened. A guy from the DEA came by and said that I no longer would be forced to sell my milk to dairy cartels. For a little protection money, I can sell it wherever and to whomever I wish. Freedom is a funny thing.”
The switch appears to have disrupted the “bribery train” of money in both groups. Drug dealers complain that when they contact the USDA that they are routed over to a guy from Monsanto who wants to sell them GMO corn.
Lobbyists for ADM and other food conglomerates complain that the DEA has started busting them for chemical additives like MSG. (Monosodium glutamate)
“Look, we have seen people swell up, go into anaphylactic shock and even wind up in the hospital because of MSG. This addictive stuff is worse than crack. You will never convince us this is not a dangerous drug,” said one DEA spokesman.
While the two groups sort through the changes that their new responsibilities entail, one notable change has to do with enforcement. Leafturner noted, “We need to retrain the DEA guys not to bust open doors and machine gun the cows. Cows are not going to “assume the position” or generally respond to the DEA’s barked commands.”
He went on, “We also have a problem with the USDA people not understanding that they are supposed to put the drug people out of business. We tell them, “Just pretend that every drug dealer you meet is a small dairy farmer and treat him like you always have.”